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Not Dead Yet (original draft)

by Spooky Mulder

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1.
God is dead God is dead Maybe it’s in Our best interest God is dead God is dead With His dying breath He said “The whole of the law From now on Do whatever you want” God is dead Maybe it’s for the best Maybe peace can reign Instead “My final request, I couldn’t ask less: Just exceed my best. My final behest, Your greatest test: Pave Hell with good intent.” Maybe God was just A psychic crutch Or a cocoon of childlike faith But once we’ve blazed The pupal stage It’s time to put childish things away Neitzsche’s dead God we can resurrect Tails or head Which snake eats next?
2.
Suddenly too sober Walking back home Grieving evening’s closure Walking alone I guess you get what you pay for And that's the cost of a halcyon time C’mon brighten my door I'm on my final dime Already reminiscing Walking back home Wondering what I’m missing Walking alone Slinking past bawdy revelers Staggering off to the next good time C’mon sweep me along I’m on my final dime
3.
I'm not a rube I see you staring, whispering Not a square, I’m cubed Anyway, I’m not listening I know I'm not nothing I am just bluffing Bunting Marshall jurists You piss-ants love a mock trial What's your verdict? Sentence me to exile I know I'm not nothing I am just bluffing Bunting I wasn't born To butter up you stale saltines I am the Lord I reign supreme, queen of all scenes I know I’m not nothing I was just bluffing Bunting I know I'm not nothing Someday you'll love me Don't be ashamed of me I am on top of the world Wherever I stand is the top Don't be dismayed by me I am at the bottom of the world But I’m holding it aloft
4.
I’ve been dreading changes Darkening the horizon Deranged rearrangements Toss my quiet life into violence Mercury in retrograde is to blame I can’t watch the news now Each new current event Plays out so's to leave no doubt It’s prophetic fulfillment Mercury in retrograde is to blame I see the future Blotting the horizon Plot twists No time to rewrite them Carrion birds Pace the sky in formation Anxious for the day After damnation I don’t know What we’re in store for The eye of the storm Has clouded over The sun is backing Slowly away Like escaping a bear Without becoming prey The moon is long gone The night is a coffin Sealed airtight To not let the light in With my eyesight out My other senses scream Like my brain is being fried By a fever dream
5.
I don’t know why It makes no sense It burns through me Like kindling When it starts When it ends There is no Predicting It shadows me Everywhere I go Tries to fuck with Everyone I know Dread tends me Like fertile dirt Til the seed Is ready to burst I just want to disappear Like a ghost Vanish into thin air Like a plume of smoke I can’t pinpoint When its onset was It goes back as far As my memory does Maybe it caught me Right out of the womb It waited In the doctor’s room It turns my dreams Into nightmares My worst memories It was there It spikes the stakes Of even the mundane Gags me Then hijacks my brain I just want to disappear Like a ghost Vanish into thin air Like a plume of smoke
6.
Some moments I swear My gusto just died And love's but a coffin You pick to be buried in They'll stuff me inside Your chokehold embrace When they blast my remains Off into space Darling You'll be the death of me 9 lives outta 10 I think about you When I feel too giddy And it's like someone Slipped me a mickey Under the table Over the counter The pick-me-up dropkicks me Gravity is a downer Darling You'll be the death of me 9 lives outta 10 We only get But one death to die One lonesome death Won't you please be mine Some moments I swear Are the death of all good I take refuge in them From memories of you
7.
Now I am the same age As too many rockstars Who died too young My 27th birthday I found a white lighter That read, "join the club" I'm not inking any deals Til I'm 28 for sure Just in case the devil's real And wants my signature I'm not dead yet Still got my soul intact Now I am the same age As my parents When I was born But I’m still living low-wage Still paying rent Still lovelorn And I cannot help but feel That I got nothing to show So devil, if you’re real Couldja let me know I'm not dead yet Still got my life ahead I’m not really scared of death So much as dying in debt With potential unmet But as long as there’s time left Can’t let myself forget My life’s not over yet I’m not dead yet Still got my life ahead
8.
Totally out-there Spaced out to highest heck Astral projection Fleeing rejection A specter in a shipwreck It’s lovely out here Beyond man’s humidity Absolved of the drama I jettison trauma Devolve from lucidity Lonesome for so long Even in the midst of a throng To be adrift In the abyss Feels like a righted wrong Cast me out there Just to reel me back to shore I’m but the bait Tempting some fate You hope to swap yours for
9.
Lead me on Into a labyrinth Lit by neon Mixed signals bickering Disoriented Lovesick, demented Your kiss is absinthe Every time I chase you I get lost I want a rom-com But get some bum noir flick The dazzling con Enlists the bumbling dick Like all good gumshoes I follow your clues But just kiss brick Every time I chase you I get lost I know you know It’s your name that I sigh But lo & behold The apple of my eye Is in effect A cataract I’m stumbling blind Every time I chase you I get lost How long is it sane To shadow your desire Til you should quit Admit it’s just foxfire
10.
Cast you from my conscience Like a guilt that bogs me down Cut ties with the anchors On the corners of my frown Spewing new promises To make up for ones you broke You're just backpedaling So you don't get snared in the spokes You need pills To feel whole A black hole Wishing well Shot glass half Full of hell I tried to kick your habit Tried to make you see the light But you preferred the blackout Of analgesic anthracite We made love in a graveyard On a weathered-blank headstone Like we were christening Your dream destination home You need pills To feel whole A black hole Wishing well Shot glass half Full of hell Feel like a wishing well Caught in a draught Blind faith leading All-seeing doubt Unequally yoked And the fields are unplowed I'm unwhole A dry well Stained glass full Of fresh-mulled hell I am null A broken spell Free of my pull I wish you well Can’t wish you whole I’ll wish you well
11.
I used to daydream Now I aimlessly sleepwalk Had autonomy Now I'm my own pet rock Quit my ministry Now I’m cut off from God Strived for shut-in heaven Got monastic hell Deadly Introspection Naval cave dive Lost inside myself I thought discipline Was austere sacrifice If I could evict Each distraction, every vice My lavish visions Would materialize Renovated ruins A temple to myself Though heaven was the blueprint I sat back To see a shut-in hell
12.
I’ve been storming out Of every meeting you call I’m not paid enough I’ll turn the tables On every intervention The love I need ain’t tough I keep having visions Of our friends who are now gone They disavow their decisions Urge me to press on Find what they missed Sorry I’ve been scarce I don’t want to bug you With what I’d change if I could I ghost from everywhere Like I’m practicing for When I ghost for good I keep having visions Of myself as dark matter I disavow my decisions Warn of the hereafter Haunted by an afterlife That cannot help distract From Earthly regrets Heaven won’t let you take back That’s all Hell is I don’t want to breathe If the impact I leave Is a mess for trees to clean While we cut them down If there’s a way to stem The damage in my step The debris left Whenever I move around I don’t wanna breathe If the footprint I leave Is a mess for trees to clean So we can have fresh air I’ll become a Jain So every move I make Is that much more humane Than if I didn’t care In hopes that I might leave Improvement in my wake So heaven won’t be grieved When I get there I keep having visions Of our friends who died too young I hope they see my decisions And feel free to move on No prophetic duty No obligation to warn All their hard-way wisdom Reborn in a brand new form
13.
I won’t mince words Some days just ain’t worth Scuttling for scrap They’re too far gone When life hands you a lemon Rife with gremlins A surefire deathtrap Sigh along Make a joyful noise Sing your sighs Oh rainbow Rode your blues out thru Bruised indigo To the blackest hole Swear there's one way back Once yer blues bleed Into the black Now cue the track Make a joyful noise Sing yer sighs Trapped for so long In a fugue state Lost in the dross Of years the locusts ate I clawed my way out To breathe fresh sun Fueled by the cloud of songs That the saints sung Good vibrations I’m paying it forward With all the strength In my lungs Some days just suck They play like an arcade For your bad luck To run amok When fate is mean Runs ya through A Rube Goldberg machine Of fumbled dreams Make a joyful noise Cuz life’s too short But feels too long And it’s hard to keep your poise In a crooked world A spun out top So lift your weary voice Sing your sighs
14.
I keep hiding from everyone Then wondering why I’m lonely I keep mulling over trauma Then wondering why I’m sad I keep breaking promises Then wondering why bridges are burning I keep ghosting opportunity Then wondering why it won’t knock Now it’s late But I can’t sleep I need to see a friend Or I’ll lay awake In agony Swatting thoughts Swarming in my head I keep shirking my self care Then wondering why I’m rotting I keep blowing off duty Then wondering why I’m broke I keep drinking myself to sleep Then wondering why I can’t wake I stay in bed all day Then wonder why I can’t sleep I get no rest I wake up less slept Than the day before I worry that If I don’t fix my act One day I just won’t wake anymore I don’t know why I sabotage myself I swear I want to see myself thrive It’s like my will is just a hostage held By gremlins on a kamikazee drive Can I survive? I keep doing the same old shit That keeps me in a nosedive I can’t kick the habit To save my life
15.
Double trouble We’re a triple threat Spellbound since the day we met But I’m in orchid Planted in your shadow It’s stunting my growth You win again Thriving is the coldest revenge You were my best friend But the best things Get such sad ends I am under The spell you constantly cast To ensure everyone else Places last If I kiss up And never rock the boat I’ll get bronze Riding your coat You win again Thriving is the coldestrevenge You were my best friend But the best things Get such sad ends Rather than risk being replaced Overwrite myself with upgrades Always I was planned obsolescence Now I have the evidence You win again Thriving is the coldest revenge You were my best friend But the best things Get such sad ends Rode off into the sunset In a tailspin Sputtering regret You were my best friend But the best things Get such sad ends

about

Everybody knows my hard drive crashed in 2016 and I lost all the project files for what woulda been the 1st Spooky Mulder record. What a lotta people don't know is that I'd render the song projects to audio files every time I made changes to them, so I could listen to 'em on the go and make notes on what to change later. When my hard drive crashed, I still had all my progress, just in raw, unrefined mixes that I could only add to, not alter. By that point, I was done with most of the recording for the backing tracks and I just had to finish the lyrics so I could start recording vocals. I never wound up getting to that step, at least not back then...
After the crash, I always meant to buy better gear, practice all the parts & vocals, give the songs some time to ferment, and take my time writing lyrics, but every time I tried to return to the project, it just bummed me out and I had to step back from it again.
I went back to school a year ago, and during the long bus commute, I started writing lyrics as an exercise, as if they were crossword puzzles. I pulled up the old NDY files for the incomplete words I'd written and, purely as a passtime, starting filling in the blanks. Lyrics were always the hardest part of songwriting for me, because once you pick the words to sing, the song is done, that book is closed, you can't go back and change it. I felt immense pressure to get it 100% right for the recordings so I would never listen back and wish I could change even one line. Under that pressure, I never felt like any set of lyrics I'd filled out was finished. I had all the word quotas met for some of the songs, but it took years of revisions to feel like I'd finally made them say what I wanted them to say all along. Now I'm close to graduating the college program I'd started, I have all the lyrics. A couple still feel like they're cobbled together with too many placeholder lines, but some are better than I think I could've imagined back then. I'll probably still fiddle with them, but aside from overanalyzing, they're done. 7 years later, I can finally lay down some vocals on those old tracks.
While I'm getting the rest of my life in order, and until I can truly begin recording this album again for real, I'm gonna finish up these tracks as much as possible and put out Not Dead Yet as it was, or would've been. I'll keep adding songs as they're finished.

credits

released June 25, 2016

Maf: everything you hear
except the drum sounds on "White Lighter", which were recorded for me to use in a drum machine by my brother, Jay
Euro Versonnen: cover photo
also me: the album booklet

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Spooky Mulder Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

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